Growing a New Chapter

 Three years into my widowhood I realized that I was unhappy living alone.  I felt more like a half of a whole than a whole person.  The world, my community, is certainly still geared to couples life.  While weekdays could be readily filled,  evenings and weekends remained difficult.  Adult children and grandchildren are busy with their lives, or live far away.  Friends are off with their spouses doing couples things and invitations are rare.  Singles are plentiful and my Meet-Up groups certainly allow for 7 nights of activity, if I so choose.  But how much Trivia, bar eating and dancing can one do?  For me, once a week of these inconsequential activities is enough.  Along with Pickleball, mahjong, and stitchers, I have social contact.  What I thought I needed was a mate, a special partner, a Stu stand-in if not a replacement.  And so I joined two dating sites.

I learned there are many lonely older men, some widowed, others divorced, seeking companionship, travel companions, a respite from aloneness.  Others haven't much life structure of their own and want someone to fill their empty spaces.  And then there were a few interested, even at 70, in casual friendship sex.  Of the many "hits" I did converse with a few, an exchange of messages once or twice.  I met a few men in person (yes, practicing safety first), but no second outings--sparks just weren't flying.  And then I met one man who was, and remains, rather appealing.  We met, sparks did fly, but he wanted to engulf me wholly and I backed out because I don't need rescuing.  And I am not interested in being engulfed.  I moved on. 

Over the next six months I traveled, went on some outings with girlfriends (mixed enjoyment there), joined Meet Up, planned some upgrades on my condo, and got reengaged as our community began to move past Covid into more activities. Fast forward 6 months and Michael returned.  Conditions were a bit different.  He was now willing to move to Phoenix part time and marriage is not number one on his mind, but engulfment still is.  I was at first angry at his insistent demands but not ready to leave for the second time because I do think there is a place for us.  Then I examined more closely what he was asking me to put aside, activities and people I had cultivated over these past three years, and I stepped away.  While I was examining what Michael was asking me to put aside,  I became gratefully aware of the life I am living, the life I have grown into as a single.

I am actively and meaningfully engaged in my community.  I enjoy the volunteer projects I do, the book clubs I am a part of, the synagogue I rejoined.  I love my dog and walking her is an important part of my daily routine.  I enjoy going to California to see my cousin, and planning trips with my daughter (we're going to a Dude ranch in April--so exciting).  I rebooked a trip to Cuba in May.  Without even realizing it,  I have been growing my life, and it's good--not perfect--but good.  Michael can join me, if he so chooses, but he can't remove or replace all that I have--no single person can.  

So Michael,  (I wrote this on Jan. 9) should you choose to return, I invite you to join my life, to create a life of your own so you have something to bring to the table.  Get your own place, a rental is fine.  Discover what interests you can develop?  Come to the table out of Want, not out of Need.  I don't want a live in right away, we might grow into that, but a friend becoming partner, becoming companion, all possible.  In the meantime, my super power is that I am, I can, I am happy and I can be happy.  Life is good.  

(And on January 12th I rethought my position.). What is the downside of Michael moving in?  If he can move in, and we gel, all is good.  If we don't gel, he can move out again, go on with his own life having benefitted from exploring a world of possibilities.  I still have concerns, but they aren't fears.  I'm concerned that he won't have enough to do on his own and will want more of my time and attention than I am ready to give initially, especially during a transition period.  I'm concerned that my place is too small and there's no room for either of us to have privacy.  What if he snores at night (I already knows he does) and I can't sleep and have no space in which to move away?  My family will be open to meeting him, and I'm pretty sure that he will present well, and be warm and friendly.  Same for the few friends I'd introduce him to.  So I said to myself, what's the risk? And sent a brief message: Compromise?